Bahagia

Tawa dalam sendu.

Assalamualaikum.

It has been like 2 months since the last post. Nothing much to update, cause this person is too busy worrying about her studies that , well, seems to falling apart. Salah diri sendiri juga, sebab terlalu banyak perkara yang diabaikan.

I am going to close my tumblr. Not really close, but maybe I'm going to delete all the entry and leave it with only one post. So that I can remember once upon a time who I was. Nothing big really happened. I am in the process of changing from a person that I used to be 3 years ago. Semoga Allah membantu diri ini. I am afraid most of myself. Cause I know, I have always failed to win over myself.

Semalam skype dengan ummi and ayah after about a month. Ummi cakap ayah misses me cause he kept asking "Farhanah tak call ke?". Allah. Bersalahnya. Memang rindu sangat. Hari ni, markah psychology 105 keluar. But I haven't seen it yet, because knowing how coward and small I am, I will leave it until I am mentally stable and able to accept whatever Allah has given me. To accept that what I've gotten is the result of my efforts. To reflect again whether I have done enough to claim that I deserve something better. To be able to accept the fact that I'm really a bad person who does not know to be grateful and to use the time that Allah has given wisely. Rasa berdosa sangat. Sebab janji pada ummi, ayah, MARA dan juga diri sendiri diabaikan. Rasa berdosa sangat sebab tanggungjawab sebagai seorang pelajar, seorang pemegang amanah kepada ilmu Allah diabaikan macam tu. Peluang dah diberi, tapi tak pernah nak ambil secara serius.

Antara ciri-ciri orang munafik adalah apabila dia berjanji dia memungkirinya. Apabila dia berkata, dia berdusta. Apa yang aku tengah buat sekarang exactly? Apa beza antara aku dengan mereka? Allah.


Isu emosi yang bertimpa. Lemahnya diri ni. Tiap-tiap malam berusaha sedaya mungkin untuk tidak mengalirkan air mata. Rasa sakit dekat dalam. Sumpah sakit. Tapi, mungkin ini adalah jawapan yang Allah berikan kepada doa yang dititipkan sewaktu berada di Jabal Rahmah dan di hadapan kaabah haritu. Jadi, diri ini harus sehabis daya redha dan berubah. The starting will always be the hardest point. And yes, this is the starting point. Mana mungkin Allah membiarkan doa hambaNya tak berjawab. Kalau apa yang didoakan tidak termakbul, maksudnya ada benda yang perlu dilihat kembali dalam diri. Allah berikan petanda yang munkin agak "solid" supaya kita segera bangun dan muhasabah kembali. Ini apa yang aku perlu buat.

 Kalau termakbul, Alhamdulillah, dan mungkin ada amanah lebih besar yang perlu dipikul.

Mana-mana pun, Allah masih sayangkan kita. Subhanallah. Sangat indah. Kita macam mana?

Kalau semalam rasa macam ditolak-ditolak oleh seseorang yang bermakna, harini Allah tunjuk dan buka mata hati untuk melihat betapa banyak kasih sayang di sekeliling, yang telah diabaikan.
Sakit tu sekejap. Bahagia itu insya'Allah akan datang.


Moga Allah bantu istiqomahkan diri ke arah perubahan yang sedang dilakukan ini.


Doakan.

I want a freaking 4.0


But I'm half dead trying to be above 3.0



Memang rasa macam betul-betul akan di'sembelih' dengan result Math 215. Allah. tak tahu nak rasa macam mana.



Doa lagi kuat. Itu je yang boleh buat sekarang. Untuk yang terbaik, dan supaya redha dengan semua yang bakal tertulis kelak.


Hakikatnya, tekanan perasaan sekarang sangat kuat. Mungkin ini sebagai peringatan, agar masa digunakan sebaiknya. Dan masa itu hak mutlak milik Allah.

The conversation.

I like being with one of my senior.

She somehow, makes me feel uncomfortable with myself. But I am feeling a much more real side of life with her. A more meaningful truths.

a friend

"Fana, awak tahu tak haritu time kiteorg nak buat rumah kaler semua, then Zafri dia bgn amek berus lah kan. Before dia nak kaler lps tu dia nyanyi,


Why this kolaveri kolaveri di.

Kiteorang semua gelak gile, sbb dia nyanyi sungguh2."


-________________-" I don't know him.

I have my reasons. You don't need to know.

And I will forever hate guys.



It will be the same. I never believe any guys since I was in Al-Amin. Until I got to Taylors. And it starts to change recently. I'm slowly reverting to what I felt 5 years ago.



Because I just hate them.

Exhausted

5 more chapters for organic chemistry.

10 subtopic for calculus.

8 chapters for violent weather.


all for next week. I did not have my sleep tonight. really. I'm not joking at all.





At the moment, I feel like I'm getting far away. I don't know why.

no title

Assalamualaikum,

This week was not so well. Am dwelling with frustrations over the weekend and in search of ways to improve the faith contains inside this soul.


Perhaps, this is the reason. To test my faith. Easier said than done. And now it is time for me to prove what I have been saying to people and to myself especially, all this while.


For once, I hope I can stop complaining how miserable I am to my friends. For once, I hope I can stop crying in front of people and let it out in front of Him instead. For once, I hope no worldly matters can shake me till I am totally off the ground and trying to stand back again.

The world does not revolves around you. and be more grateful instead.

I'm not going to stop. No.



We texted after one week not talking to each other. I told him that I want the invitation to his iron ring ceremony. Save one for me. If I am still here. And he said he will and I will. He said he is tired. Tired with "masalah hati" and studies.

I wonder. What does he meant by masalah hati ? Maybe. His feeling for her is still lingering in his heart. And whatever it is, I pray the best for him.







The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’” [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Crybaby

Maybe, Allah is trying to show me something. It is just that I have been denying it for almost a year. I saw what happened. I experienced it. And I try to brush off the fact. 

Whatever he have done, whatever he said, whatever he saw,to him I am just his friend. A friend. Nothing more than that. I should let it go by now. It have been 2 years now. How long do you want to hold on to something that is not true. 

We are just not meant for each other. We are not.

Yes. I'm a friend. Nothing more than that. It is just me overwhelmed with my own feeling and fascination.

A friend. Yesterday, today and future, will always remain being a good friend.

No. I am not crying. It is just that my fever is getting worked up.  I cry when I am sick.

Crybaby.

Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.  (2:216)

Superficial?

Because I know, it's hard for you to find your way to this blog.



I have always doubt my feelings for you. Permanent? Insincere? Superficial?


And yesterday I keep wondering, what it will be if I had not meet you on the first place? A life without you.





I treasure you with all my heart. No doubt about it.

by all means

Assalamualaikum,

This week has been hectic. Because of the depression that hanging above me last friday had robbed the whole weekend of studying  with crying. and more crying. and more worrying.


So what did I manage to gain from all that?

I didn't study for stereochemistry which brought to the dominos effect on the organic chemistry lab today. The worst lab I have ever written for the entire semester. It is entirely impossible right now to obtain 90% of lab marks.

My second midterm marks for earth science class ; 2 marks below average, which reduce the probability in gaining an A or A+ in the class. A reflection for skipping too many class sessions. An excellent student especially in Islamic context should be always responsible. Am I responsible?

Unable to do calculus assignment without even glancing at the solution manual. Integration is my weakest chapter in Calculus. Be it introductory course, intermediate and let it be the advance. Fail to give 100% concentration in class.

Unable to complete the reading 'Into The Wild' for English Class. I have been taking english class lightly. Missed Sister Sarah's lecture for 2 weeks in a row.

Fail to complete application readmission to Faculty of Science. Everyone has been busy enrolling to classes this week.



Yes, we do have ups and downs in life. But when you let your emotions take over you, everything will starts to fall apart. This is a living proof of how damaging it can be to an individual. Not that I have not experience an emotional wreck before to not notice the devastation that it can bring. I strongly believe that when a person is down, it shows your level of faith at that time.


This is the time when you need a friend to keep reminding you. Hence. Do whatever you can to bring it up again. By all means, your faith should control your emotions. Not vice versa.


I will try my best to fix things again within this 4 weeks. Insya'allah.


Is it still possible to gain As for 3 courses this semester?
Yes. No.




And may Allah keep my grandparents safe and sound while performing Umrah

Knowledge

I got uber excited when I am curious and I get to know something. And when I got to see the bigger picture of other things based from what I just know.


It's magic. Allah's knowledge is always a magic. No matter how many times you learn it. Especially when you're applying it.


I never had any intention to be a show off. That's just me. I am transparent.

I think I should stop posting so many things on Tumblr. It's time to make myself invisible to the world. I am thinking to run away.


I need to get some sleep now. My stomach is upset. And my head is pounding.

Hati itu satu

Stress. Bukan sebab study.
Itu yang paling stress sekali. Sebab stress bukan sebab study.



Do I need to be stressed for unnecessary reasons?



*sighing*


Rimas. Kenapa semua orang perlu cakap nama dia? Macam mana saya nak simpan ketat-ketat perasaan saya ni kalau terlalu banyak tujahan-tujahan emosi yang dilemparkan. emosi yang mengembangkan mungkin?


Bila senyum salah.
Bila diam salah.
Bila senyum dan diam salah.
Bila menafikan salah.



Semuanya tak menjadi.



Rasa nak menangis.

Yang berkuasa membolak balikkan hati manusia

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah


and more of Alhamdulillah. n_n


Without Him, we are nothing. The only reason why we are so significant in this world is because of Him.






Esok, ada exam organic chemistry. Doakan saya semua orang.



Oh. And I did not celebrate valentine's day. Because I don't truly understand it. And because I'm not sure where does it stand in Islam. Hence, I chose to ignore it.


I did not get hyped up because of ridiculous expectations. Is just that. I need someone to accompany me to study yesterday.


Organic chemistry is so cool.

A

Ummi. Esok pagi fana exam midterm violent weather. Ummi doakan fana dapat A untuk subjek ni insya'allah.

4 letter

can we just get married? everyone is getting married.




and I just knew that one my friend has gotten engaged. that's what someone told me. knowing her, prolly is it against her personal conscious to have a boyfriend. And I'm pretty sure she is engaged with someone.



I want to get married. I do. I want to be able to hold and kiss your hand when I am done praying. To be able to stare at your face and feel so blessed and grateful for Allah has given one of the most beautiful gift in my life. To be able to share with you anything.


I want it to be halal for us. I'm serious with you. My feelings are pure and sincere.

I love you. For the sake of Allah. And therefore, I shall wait. If we are not meant to be only Allah knows the best reason behind it.

Worried

2015. 24 years old.

I never have much thought about my future. I know I dream big on everything. Sometimes I don't even think it make sense at all. 

From what has been planned before, I'm suppose to graduate on 2014 in Bsc. engineering. But, it turns out that, me and engineering is not a good combination. I lost one year of my academic year. Right now I'm trying to get myself to Faculty of Science, Bsc specialization in Chemistry. 

2012/2013 will be my second year

2013/2014 will be my third year

2014/2015 will be my fourth year

I can't possibly take 6 courses in one semester in order to graduate within 2 year. And I have to do a research on my final year. Insha'allah if my scholarship will be re-instated, it will be until 2014 only.

And how am I going to do my final year on 2015?  I know, it's such a long stretch. But if I don't think about it now, then, when should I think about it. I couldn't help not to feel worried.  What should I do...

I want to do my internship. I want to do summer job. I want to be a chemist in the industrial field. I honestly do. People said, why rush when you know how it's going to end. But if I'm not rushing, what am I going to do? 

2017/2018 Master

2018/2021 PhD

And after all that, it will be like when I'm 30 years old. When am I going to get married. T.T

I never resent 2010/2011. In fact it have taught me so many things. 

When things fall apart.

Why is it so hard to be nice?




I refuse to say anything after this. And I should learn to hide my emotions.

Medical Bracelet

You know, I think when I was 14, I was down with asthma attack. My parents were performing hajj at that time . My grandmother and my aunt were responsible for taking care of me and the siblings.

It was so bad, that I couldn't even get up from bed. I felt like I'm dying. I don't remember if I went to the clinic but I couldn't eat anything. Because I don't even have the energy to eat. That was how bad it is.

My last asthma attack was the time when I was doing my volunteering works at the National Zoo. Lol. What a name. Ok. It was not as bad as when I was 14. But still. I have so much difficulties in breathing. 

It kinda strucked me if I'll ever have an asthma attack here. Would people even notice that I'm having my asthma? It was so long since I've had one. Nobody knew exactly that I have asthma. They only knew I'm allergic to NSAIDS. Which is just the beginning of the story.

I'm allergic to penicillin as well. And the matter of fact, I have a strain of another antibiotics that I'm allergic to but I have never been exposed to it. So. No one knows which strain of antibiotic it is. And I'm allergic to cephalosporins. One of the most potent antibiotics for infections.

That's why. It's so vital for me. Not to get sick at all. Even when the doctors saw my medical bracelet, they will cringe before they said what should they prescribed for me. At the end of the day, I'm only allowed to take paracetamol or acetaminophen (panadol or tylenol).

The reason why I wrote all this? I don't know. Prolly because if anything happened to me, and if by any chance someone is reading this, they might help me. I don't think people even realised that I'm wearing a medical bracelet. They thought I'm a fan of rock or hard core or something and that's why I wear this hideous looking bracelet -..- seriously. 

Therefore, helping injured people 101, check them to see if there is any indication that they are prone to any particular conditions. It's important to be highly observant because you don't want to end up killing them. 

Anaphylaxis is a fatal allergic reaction. That's what going to happen if I take all the medicine listed above excluding paracetamol and acetaminophen.

New Year resolution.

It's hard not to be a good looking, normal person. At least for me it is. I don't know how it goes for someone else.

Classes will be starting on Monday. I don't exactly have any particular new year resolution, but I know I want to get a GPA of 4.0 for this winter term. I know it's achievable. It's possible but it's hard. With Allah's willing. I will fight for it.

My status scholarship is still hanging on the air. Right now it's either I'm coming back mid Feb or I can still continue for Faculty of Science specializing in Chemistry. I pray that Allah will give me the chance to let me do my best in searching for His knowledge for the upcoming 3 years in Canada. Nobody knows about it. People assumed I'm on scholarship. But I'm not. And if I'm leaving, I want to leave without anyone noticing it. That's the reason why I couldn't hugged Jannah or Wani on the last day I'm in Vancouver. Because I don't want to say goodbye. At 2 am on the bus, tears rolling down the cheeks, signified how much I don't want to be apart and to leave anyone.


What happened in 2010 and 2011? Nobody knows. Maybe because I don't have the courage to let people know. Because they will be judging me. And I don't want to hate them because of that. And prolly because I am overwhelmed with inferior complexity.


I was literally a college dropout. But Alhamdulillah, Allah put me in a situation where I can still be saved. Engineering was never meant for me. Too many tears. Too many heartbreaks. Maybe because my mind and my heart was not ready for it yet, as a result I failed my first year. I have never failed anything in my entire life. Never. It was like hitting a rock bottom. I blamed my best friend for not being there to help me. For always hurting me. For always leaving me. I blamed him for all the mistakes that I have done. So many times that I thought of killing myself. But I didn't. For things to fall into its places, you must let it happened. That's how it happened. I learnt the hard way. All the events eventually taught me about the value of friendships. The value of love. Bring me closer to Him. And opened up my eyes to so many things.


It took me months to let it go. And Alhamdulillah Allah helped me to do it.

Instead of hating him even more for messing up with my life, I learnt to love him more, in a selfless way. Whatever that will make him happy, I'll try to accept it as best as I can. And if one day the fate is never meant for us, I pray that he will meet a good person. Not that we're ever a couple. But I pray that he will meet someone better than me. He deserves that.

Instead of forcing myself to do something I'm not genuinely in love, I learnt that if you want to contribute to the religion, do something that you're good at and you love. I accept wholeheartedly that eventhough both of my parents are engineers, I have never inherited their forte in numbers. I have never give myself a chance to choose what I'm really good at. I always follow people. You are unique. Each of us is unique.


Instead of feeling what a loner I am, I am so grateful for having so many supportive people around me. My closest friends. My families. Regardless of how crappy I am, they will try their best to help me stand up again. All this while they have been watching me running and falling.


And I think the best lesson is, He taught me that no matter what happened, He will always be by my side. Hence,  I have no reasons to forget Him. His blessings are countless.


Different people have their own path. And I pray that in the future whatever is going to happen, I accept it wholeheartedly and it will make me to be a better person for Him.






p/s: saya tak akan marah kalau awak lupakan saya, if I'll be sent back. I can't force you to remember me.