4 letter

can we just get married? everyone is getting married.




and I just knew that one my friend has gotten engaged. that's what someone told me. knowing her, prolly is it against her personal conscious to have a boyfriend. And I'm pretty sure she is engaged with someone.



I want to get married. I do. I want to be able to hold and kiss your hand when I am done praying. To be able to stare at your face and feel so blessed and grateful for Allah has given one of the most beautiful gift in my life. To be able to share with you anything.


I want it to be halal for us. I'm serious with you. My feelings are pure and sincere.

I love you. For the sake of Allah. And therefore, I shall wait. If we are not meant to be only Allah knows the best reason behind it.

Worried

2015. 24 years old.

I never have much thought about my future. I know I dream big on everything. Sometimes I don't even think it make sense at all. 

From what has been planned before, I'm suppose to graduate on 2014 in Bsc. engineering. But, it turns out that, me and engineering is not a good combination. I lost one year of my academic year. Right now I'm trying to get myself to Faculty of Science, Bsc specialization in Chemistry. 

2012/2013 will be my second year

2013/2014 will be my third year

2014/2015 will be my fourth year

I can't possibly take 6 courses in one semester in order to graduate within 2 year. And I have to do a research on my final year. Insha'allah if my scholarship will be re-instated, it will be until 2014 only.

And how am I going to do my final year on 2015?  I know, it's such a long stretch. But if I don't think about it now, then, when should I think about it. I couldn't help not to feel worried.  What should I do...

I want to do my internship. I want to do summer job. I want to be a chemist in the industrial field. I honestly do. People said, why rush when you know how it's going to end. But if I'm not rushing, what am I going to do? 

2017/2018 Master

2018/2021 PhD

And after all that, it will be like when I'm 30 years old. When am I going to get married. T.T

I never resent 2010/2011. In fact it have taught me so many things. 

When things fall apart.

Why is it so hard to be nice?




I refuse to say anything after this. And I should learn to hide my emotions.

Medical Bracelet

You know, I think when I was 14, I was down with asthma attack. My parents were performing hajj at that time . My grandmother and my aunt were responsible for taking care of me and the siblings.

It was so bad, that I couldn't even get up from bed. I felt like I'm dying. I don't remember if I went to the clinic but I couldn't eat anything. Because I don't even have the energy to eat. That was how bad it is.

My last asthma attack was the time when I was doing my volunteering works at the National Zoo. Lol. What a name. Ok. It was not as bad as when I was 14. But still. I have so much difficulties in breathing. 

It kinda strucked me if I'll ever have an asthma attack here. Would people even notice that I'm having my asthma? It was so long since I've had one. Nobody knew exactly that I have asthma. They only knew I'm allergic to NSAIDS. Which is just the beginning of the story.

I'm allergic to penicillin as well. And the matter of fact, I have a strain of another antibiotics that I'm allergic to but I have never been exposed to it. So. No one knows which strain of antibiotic it is. And I'm allergic to cephalosporins. One of the most potent antibiotics for infections.

That's why. It's so vital for me. Not to get sick at all. Even when the doctors saw my medical bracelet, they will cringe before they said what should they prescribed for me. At the end of the day, I'm only allowed to take paracetamol or acetaminophen (panadol or tylenol).

The reason why I wrote all this? I don't know. Prolly because if anything happened to me, and if by any chance someone is reading this, they might help me. I don't think people even realised that I'm wearing a medical bracelet. They thought I'm a fan of rock or hard core or something and that's why I wear this hideous looking bracelet -..- seriously. 

Therefore, helping injured people 101, check them to see if there is any indication that they are prone to any particular conditions. It's important to be highly observant because you don't want to end up killing them. 

Anaphylaxis is a fatal allergic reaction. That's what going to happen if I take all the medicine listed above excluding paracetamol and acetaminophen.

New Year resolution.

It's hard not to be a good looking, normal person. At least for me it is. I don't know how it goes for someone else.

Classes will be starting on Monday. I don't exactly have any particular new year resolution, but I know I want to get a GPA of 4.0 for this winter term. I know it's achievable. It's possible but it's hard. With Allah's willing. I will fight for it.

My status scholarship is still hanging on the air. Right now it's either I'm coming back mid Feb or I can still continue for Faculty of Science specializing in Chemistry. I pray that Allah will give me the chance to let me do my best in searching for His knowledge for the upcoming 3 years in Canada. Nobody knows about it. People assumed I'm on scholarship. But I'm not. And if I'm leaving, I want to leave without anyone noticing it. That's the reason why I couldn't hugged Jannah or Wani on the last day I'm in Vancouver. Because I don't want to say goodbye. At 2 am on the bus, tears rolling down the cheeks, signified how much I don't want to be apart and to leave anyone.


What happened in 2010 and 2011? Nobody knows. Maybe because I don't have the courage to let people know. Because they will be judging me. And I don't want to hate them because of that. And prolly because I am overwhelmed with inferior complexity.


I was literally a college dropout. But Alhamdulillah, Allah put me in a situation where I can still be saved. Engineering was never meant for me. Too many tears. Too many heartbreaks. Maybe because my mind and my heart was not ready for it yet, as a result I failed my first year. I have never failed anything in my entire life. Never. It was like hitting a rock bottom. I blamed my best friend for not being there to help me. For always hurting me. For always leaving me. I blamed him for all the mistakes that I have done. So many times that I thought of killing myself. But I didn't. For things to fall into its places, you must let it happened. That's how it happened. I learnt the hard way. All the events eventually taught me about the value of friendships. The value of love. Bring me closer to Him. And opened up my eyes to so many things.


It took me months to let it go. And Alhamdulillah Allah helped me to do it.

Instead of hating him even more for messing up with my life, I learnt to love him more, in a selfless way. Whatever that will make him happy, I'll try to accept it as best as I can. And if one day the fate is never meant for us, I pray that he will meet a good person. Not that we're ever a couple. But I pray that he will meet someone better than me. He deserves that.

Instead of forcing myself to do something I'm not genuinely in love, I learnt that if you want to contribute to the religion, do something that you're good at and you love. I accept wholeheartedly that eventhough both of my parents are engineers, I have never inherited their forte in numbers. I have never give myself a chance to choose what I'm really good at. I always follow people. You are unique. Each of us is unique.


Instead of feeling what a loner I am, I am so grateful for having so many supportive people around me. My closest friends. My families. Regardless of how crappy I am, they will try their best to help me stand up again. All this while they have been watching me running and falling.


And I think the best lesson is, He taught me that no matter what happened, He will always be by my side. Hence,  I have no reasons to forget Him. His blessings are countless.


Different people have their own path. And I pray that in the future whatever is going to happen, I accept it wholeheartedly and it will make me to be a better person for Him.






p/s: saya tak akan marah kalau awak lupakan saya, if I'll be sent back. I can't force you to remember me.