4 letter

can we just get married? everyone is getting married.




and I just knew that one my friend has gotten engaged. that's what someone told me. knowing her, prolly is it against her personal conscious to have a boyfriend. And I'm pretty sure she is engaged with someone.



I want to get married. I do. I want to be able to hold and kiss your hand when I am done praying. To be able to stare at your face and feel so blessed and grateful for Allah has given one of the most beautiful gift in my life. To be able to share with you anything.


I want it to be halal for us. I'm serious with you. My feelings are pure and sincere.

I love you. For the sake of Allah. And therefore, I shall wait. If we are not meant to be only Allah knows the best reason behind it.

Worried

2015. 24 years old.

I never have much thought about my future. I know I dream big on everything. Sometimes I don't even think it make sense at all. 

From what has been planned before, I'm suppose to graduate on 2014 in Bsc. engineering. But, it turns out that, me and engineering is not a good combination. I lost one year of my academic year. Right now I'm trying to get myself to Faculty of Science, Bsc specialization in Chemistry. 

2012/2013 will be my second year

2013/2014 will be my third year

2014/2015 will be my fourth year

I can't possibly take 6 courses in one semester in order to graduate within 2 year. And I have to do a research on my final year. Insha'allah if my scholarship will be re-instated, it will be until 2014 only.

And how am I going to do my final year on 2015?  I know, it's such a long stretch. But if I don't think about it now, then, when should I think about it. I couldn't help not to feel worried.  What should I do...

I want to do my internship. I want to do summer job. I want to be a chemist in the industrial field. I honestly do. People said, why rush when you know how it's going to end. But if I'm not rushing, what am I going to do? 

2017/2018 Master

2018/2021 PhD

And after all that, it will be like when I'm 30 years old. When am I going to get married. T.T

I never resent 2010/2011. In fact it have taught me so many things. 

When things fall apart.

Why is it so hard to be nice?




I refuse to say anything after this. And I should learn to hide my emotions.

Medical Bracelet

You know, I think when I was 14, I was down with asthma attack. My parents were performing hajj at that time . My grandmother and my aunt were responsible for taking care of me and the siblings.

It was so bad, that I couldn't even get up from bed. I felt like I'm dying. I don't remember if I went to the clinic but I couldn't eat anything. Because I don't even have the energy to eat. That was how bad it is.

My last asthma attack was the time when I was doing my volunteering works at the National Zoo. Lol. What a name. Ok. It was not as bad as when I was 14. But still. I have so much difficulties in breathing. 

It kinda strucked me if I'll ever have an asthma attack here. Would people even notice that I'm having my asthma? It was so long since I've had one. Nobody knew exactly that I have asthma. They only knew I'm allergic to NSAIDS. Which is just the beginning of the story.

I'm allergic to penicillin as well. And the matter of fact, I have a strain of another antibiotics that I'm allergic to but I have never been exposed to it. So. No one knows which strain of antibiotic it is. And I'm allergic to cephalosporins. One of the most potent antibiotics for infections.

That's why. It's so vital for me. Not to get sick at all. Even when the doctors saw my medical bracelet, they will cringe before they said what should they prescribed for me. At the end of the day, I'm only allowed to take paracetamol or acetaminophen (panadol or tylenol).

The reason why I wrote all this? I don't know. Prolly because if anything happened to me, and if by any chance someone is reading this, they might help me. I don't think people even realised that I'm wearing a medical bracelet. They thought I'm a fan of rock or hard core or something and that's why I wear this hideous looking bracelet -..- seriously. 

Therefore, helping injured people 101, check them to see if there is any indication that they are prone to any particular conditions. It's important to be highly observant because you don't want to end up killing them. 

Anaphylaxis is a fatal allergic reaction. That's what going to happen if I take all the medicine listed above excluding paracetamol and acetaminophen.

New Year resolution.

It's hard not to be a good looking, normal person. At least for me it is. I don't know how it goes for someone else.

Classes will be starting on Monday. I don't exactly have any particular new year resolution, but I know I want to get a GPA of 4.0 for this winter term. I know it's achievable. It's possible but it's hard. With Allah's willing. I will fight for it.

My status scholarship is still hanging on the air. Right now it's either I'm coming back mid Feb or I can still continue for Faculty of Science specializing in Chemistry. I pray that Allah will give me the chance to let me do my best in searching for His knowledge for the upcoming 3 years in Canada. Nobody knows about it. People assumed I'm on scholarship. But I'm not. And if I'm leaving, I want to leave without anyone noticing it. That's the reason why I couldn't hugged Jannah or Wani on the last day I'm in Vancouver. Because I don't want to say goodbye. At 2 am on the bus, tears rolling down the cheeks, signified how much I don't want to be apart and to leave anyone.


What happened in 2010 and 2011? Nobody knows. Maybe because I don't have the courage to let people know. Because they will be judging me. And I don't want to hate them because of that. And prolly because I am overwhelmed with inferior complexity.


I was literally a college dropout. But Alhamdulillah, Allah put me in a situation where I can still be saved. Engineering was never meant for me. Too many tears. Too many heartbreaks. Maybe because my mind and my heart was not ready for it yet, as a result I failed my first year. I have never failed anything in my entire life. Never. It was like hitting a rock bottom. I blamed my best friend for not being there to help me. For always hurting me. For always leaving me. I blamed him for all the mistakes that I have done. So many times that I thought of killing myself. But I didn't. For things to fall into its places, you must let it happened. That's how it happened. I learnt the hard way. All the events eventually taught me about the value of friendships. The value of love. Bring me closer to Him. And opened up my eyes to so many things.


It took me months to let it go. And Alhamdulillah Allah helped me to do it.

Instead of hating him even more for messing up with my life, I learnt to love him more, in a selfless way. Whatever that will make him happy, I'll try to accept it as best as I can. And if one day the fate is never meant for us, I pray that he will meet a good person. Not that we're ever a couple. But I pray that he will meet someone better than me. He deserves that.

Instead of forcing myself to do something I'm not genuinely in love, I learnt that if you want to contribute to the religion, do something that you're good at and you love. I accept wholeheartedly that eventhough both of my parents are engineers, I have never inherited their forte in numbers. I have never give myself a chance to choose what I'm really good at. I always follow people. You are unique. Each of us is unique.


Instead of feeling what a loner I am, I am so grateful for having so many supportive people around me. My closest friends. My families. Regardless of how crappy I am, they will try their best to help me stand up again. All this while they have been watching me running and falling.


And I think the best lesson is, He taught me that no matter what happened, He will always be by my side. Hence,  I have no reasons to forget Him. His blessings are countless.


Different people have their own path. And I pray that in the future whatever is going to happen, I accept it wholeheartedly and it will make me to be a better person for Him.






p/s: saya tak akan marah kalau awak lupakan saya, if I'll be sent back. I can't force you to remember me.

Broken.

This path that I am taking right now is really testing me.

For one whole day, I keep thinking ways to forgive you. But I couldn't find one.

I hope, one fine day,

you'll be trapped in the same situation. So that you realised, for me to heal completely is impossible.

I hope. and I pray for that. No. This is not vengeance. I need you to know, that you've never fallen in a worst situation. I need you to know that I'm not ok. And will never be ok.

And if one day I'm depressed. You'll fully understand why.

You ruined me. You do. That is the only thing that cannot be undone.

reminder

Mana Satu Pilihan Hati

Diluluskan pada Sabtu, 20 Disember 2008 @ 4:40:55 oleh simpLe_sHida

Umum

ombaklaut menulis "Saya bertanya kepada emak, “mana satu pilihan hati, orang yang sayangkan kita atau yang kita sayang? ”

Mak jawab, “dua-dua bukan..”


“Pilihan hati mak adalah yang sayangkan kita kerana Allah..”

Saya menarik nafas dalam-dalam.

Macam mana nak tau orang tu sayang kita kerana apa?” Mak diam sekejap berfikir dan kemudian tersenyum. Rasanya mak dapat menduga apa yang sedang bermain dalam hati anak perempuannya. Mana mungkin saya mampu menyorokkan rahsia hati dari mak sedangkan
sekilas saya pun mak mampu membacanya.

“Yang paling tahu hanya Allah..”

mak merenung dalam-dalam wajah anaknya. “Kerana hanya Allah mampu membaca hati hambaNya.. ” mak menyusun ayat-ayatnya. “Dan keikhlasan
kerana Allah itu akan terserlah keberkatannya tanpa perlu sengaja ditonjokan oleh seseorang tu..”

Saya memintas, “Tak faham..”

Mak menyambung “Cinta di dalam jalan Allah.. Bertemu kerana sama-sama mencari redha Allah..” Mak menyambung lagi, “begini, setiap insan yang bergelar manusia telah Allah ciptakan berpasang-pasangan. rasa ingin dikasihi antara seorang suami dan isteri suatu fitrah. Automatik boleh ada daya tarikan magnet tu..” Wajah saya merah, sedikit cemas jika mak dapat mengesan gelora jiwa muda ini.. Mak menyambung “Setiap manusia telah Allah tetapkan rezeki,jodoh dan maut sejak azali

Siapakah jodohnya itu?” mak berhenti seketika. Saya tunduk malu, cuba menyorokkan rasa panas di pipi. Emak buat-buat tidak nampak.

Secret Admire

“Kakak, mak dulu masa remaja ada secret admire.. Rajin betul dia hantar surat..Masa tu mak dah tahu yang bercinta sebelum kahwin ni tak halal..Dan masa tu mak tekad tak mahu layan sebab mak takut arwah tokwan kena seksa dalam kubur... Mak sedar mak anak yatim, anak orang miskin, adik beradik ramai.. Mak nak belajar sungguh-sungguh. . Lama budak tu tunggu
mak..

Akhirnya mak bagi kata putus, mak hanya akan membalas cinta dia jika dia sah suami mak.. Dan dia memang bukan jodoh mak, maka tak pernah dia menerima balasan cinta tu.” Mak merenung jauh. Saya merapatkan badan kepada emak, semakin berminat dengan kisah lama mak..

“Mak memang tak ada perasaan lansung pada dia ke?” saya menyoal sambil memandang tajam wajah mak. Emak ketawa kecil. “Walaupun mungkin ada, mak tak pernah bagi peluang pada diri mak untuk mengisytiharkan perasaan tu..Mak takut pada Allah. Mak bukan seperti rakan sebaya mak yang lain.. Mak, seperti kakak..” mak memandang saya sambil memegang pipi dan dagu saya. Kemudian tangannya mengusap rambut di kepala saya.

“Mak anak ustaz ustazah.. Tapi zaman tu ustaz ustazah nya masih berkebaya pendek dan ketat. Tok wan mak kiyai. Mungkin berkat doa keturunan sebelum ni yang soleh-soleh, hati mak tertarik sangat pada agama walaupun tiada sesiapa yang mendorong.. Bila di sekolah, mak pelajar pertama yang bertudung.. Mak membawa imej agama. Kawan-kawan dan cikgu-cikgu panggil mak dengan gelaran mak Aji.. Sebab zaman tu hujung 70an dan awal 80an tak ramai lagi yang bertudung betul menutup auratnya..Zaman tudung nipis dan nampak jambul. Kemudian kawan-kawan mak sikit-sikit ikut bertudung. Akhirnya kami semua dipanggil di
perhimpunan. Kami dimarah guru besar kerana bertudung sedangkan ustazah kami bertudung tapi nampak jambulnya..” emak melemparkan pandangan ke lantai. “Selepas tu ustazah jumpa kami secara persendirian. Ustazah kata dia tak mampu nak pakai seperti kami. Dia suruh kami teruskan..” sambung emak. Ada getar di hujung suara emak. Kisah silam perjuangan emak di sekolah dahulu sikit-sikit emak ceritakan pada saya.

Itulah juga salah satu inspirasi kepada saya untuk bangkit semula setiap kali terjatuh ketika berjuang di sekolah dulu.

“Mungkin kerana personaliti mak, mak menjadi tempat rujukan kawan-kawan mak..Jadi, bila mak nak ambil sesuatu tindakan, mak kena fikir betul-betul sama ada tindakan mak tu akan menyebabkan Allah marah atau tidak. Mak ayah berdosa tak? Dan maruah pembawa agama terjejas tak? Kalau mak membalas cinta si lelaki tadi, bermakna mak sedang menconteng arang di muka-muka pembawa-pembawa agama. Orang akan pandang serong terhadap orang yang bertudung sedangkan kesilapan tu hanya seorang dua yang buat. Besar fitnah akan timbul apabila orang-orang agama mengambil ringan batas syariat duhai anak..” mak menelan air liurnya.

Saya diam. Fikiran saya sedang cuba memahami maksud mak saya.

Adakah ia suatu diskriminasi?

“Kakak..Jatuh cinta perkara biasa. Apabila kita jatuh cinta pada seseorang, itu tandanya ada sesuatu keistimewaan pada seseorang tu. Apatah lagi orang yang kita jatuh cinta tu di atas jalan dakwah ni..Tetapi kita kena ingat.. Kita tak akan dikahwinkan dengan seseorang atas sebab jatuh cinta atau saling cinta mencintai.. Bercouple mungkin.. Tetapi bukan berkahwin... Kerana kita berkahwin dengan jodoh kita, jodoh yang Allah dah tetapkan sejak azali.. Dan tak mustahil orang yang kita paling benci itulah jodoh kita yang kita akan dikahwinkan dengannya..” Tiba-tiba air mata saya mengalir. Argh! Ego saya kalah bila mendengar hujah emak. Emak meneruskan, “Allah itu Maha Adil.. Dia tak pernah menzalimi hambaNya..Sesungguh nya, yang selalu menzalimi hambaNya ialah diri hamba tu sendiri.. Sebabnya hamba tu degil. Dia mahukan yang bukan haknya, yang bukan milik dia. Mencintai seseorang tidak semestinya memilikinya.

Dalam Islam, kita dah diajar untuk saling mencintai antara satu sama lain seperti diri sendiri.. Jadi apabila kita mencintai saudara perempuan, kita bebas peluk dia. Tetapi bila dengan lelaki, kita ada batas-batasnya. Orang kafir kata batas-batas ini suatu diskriminasi,
tetapi sebenarnya batas-batas syariat itulah yang memelihara kehormatan seorang lelaki dan seorang perempuan. Cuba kakak renungkan, kita mengenali seorang insan yang amat baik, sempurna agamanya dan rajin. Lalu kita jatuh hati padanya. Ditakdirkan jodohnya dengan insan
lain, kita pula dengan yang lain.. Tetapi itu tidak bermakna ukhwah Allah.. Kita dan dia masih boleh sama-sama bekerjasama untuk mencari redha Allah.. Perbezaannya, dia halal untuk isterinya sedangkan untuk kita, dia tetap lelaki ajnabi seperti yang awalnya.” emak berhenti seketika..

Bukan luar biasa

Tentu kering tekak emak menerangkan kepada saya persoalan hati ini.

“Kakak..jadi di sini mak nak kakak faham, jatuh cinta bukan perkara luar biasa..Dan berkahwin pun bukan suatu jaminan untuk tak jatuh cinta pada lelaki lain.. Kerana itulah ramai isteri yang curang, suami yang curang..Ada orang tukar pasangan macam tukar baju. Apa yang penting ialah kita kena perjelaskan pada diri kita supaya setiap kali kita jatuh cinta, jatuh cinta itu kerana kita jatuh cinta kepada Pencipta dia. Kita bagi tau pada diri kita berulang kali yang kita
mencintai Allah, kerana itu kita mencintai si dia. Letakkan Allah sebagai sempadan hati kita, segala perkara yang kita cintai dan sayangi termasuk mak abah adalah kerana mencintai Allah.. Dan apabila kita membenci seseorang atau sesuatu, beri tahu pada diri sendiri berulangkali yang kita benci sekian-sekian hal kerana Allah semata-mata. .”

“Kakak.. Hati kita ni walaupun dalam dada kita sendiri, ia tetap bukan milik kita. Kita tak mampu untuk mengawalnya. . Hanya Allah yang boleh memegangnya. . Sebab tu kita
dekatkan diri dengan Allah.. Sebab kita nak dia pegang kukuh-kukuh hati kita. Bila dia pelihara dan masuk dalam hati kita, itulah nikmat lazatnnya bercinta. Masa tu biarpun satu dunia menyakiti kita, kita tak rasa sakit sebab kita asyik dengan nikmat bercinta dengan Allah..Bercinta dengan Allah sangat berbeza dari bercinta dengan manusia. Kerana tentulah pengalaman bercinta dengan lelaki kaya,rupawan,sempurna dan bijaksana tak sama rasanya bercinta dengan lelaki miskin,hodoh,cacat dan dungu.. Betapa nikmatnya cinta Allah, hanya mereka yang pernah merasai sahaja yang mampu mengerti. ”

Redha

“Kakak..Walau siapapun jodoh yang Allah hantarkan untuk kakak, terimalah dengan hati yang redha.. Tak mustahil dia adalah orang yang kita benci. Kalau yang kakak sayang, tak jadi hal lah.. Tapi kalau dapat yang kakak tak nak, lantaran kelemahan yang ada pada dia, ingatlah bahawa dalam diri setiap insan telah Allah ciptakan dengan kelebihan masing-masing. Dan mungkin kakak ada kekuatan yang dapat mengubah si lelaki tadi supaya hidup dia bermakna dan mungkin kakak sahaja yang mampu mencungkil kelebihan yang ada pada dia.. Mungkin juga si lelaki ini ada sesuatu kelebihan yang kakak sangat-sangat perlukan yang satu dunia tak mampu
bagi pada kakak.. Alangkah bertuahnya kakak kalau kakak mengerti setiap pemberian Allah dan belajar untuk bersyukur.. ”

Sekali lagi berjuraian air mata saya turun. Terasa lemah lutut hendak berdiri. Emak menarik tubuh saya dan memeluk erat. Pelukan emak sangat-sangat kuat.

“Emak dah didik anak emak dari belum lahir untuk mencintai Allah.. Sekarang emak serahkan anak emak yang mak sayang sangat ni pada Allah untuk Dia pelihara..” Emak mengakhiri kata-katanya dengan suara sebak dan air mata yang mengalir ke bahu saya.

Renung-renungkan dan selamat beramal...

p/s : a reminder for me and also for the people out there.