New Year resolution.

It's hard not to be a good looking, normal person. At least for me it is. I don't know how it goes for someone else.

Classes will be starting on Monday. I don't exactly have any particular new year resolution, but I know I want to get a GPA of 4.0 for this winter term. I know it's achievable. It's possible but it's hard. With Allah's willing. I will fight for it.

My status scholarship is still hanging on the air. Right now it's either I'm coming back mid Feb or I can still continue for Faculty of Science specializing in Chemistry. I pray that Allah will give me the chance to let me do my best in searching for His knowledge for the upcoming 3 years in Canada. Nobody knows about it. People assumed I'm on scholarship. But I'm not. And if I'm leaving, I want to leave without anyone noticing it. That's the reason why I couldn't hugged Jannah or Wani on the last day I'm in Vancouver. Because I don't want to say goodbye. At 2 am on the bus, tears rolling down the cheeks, signified how much I don't want to be apart and to leave anyone.


What happened in 2010 and 2011? Nobody knows. Maybe because I don't have the courage to let people know. Because they will be judging me. And I don't want to hate them because of that. And prolly because I am overwhelmed with inferior complexity.


I was literally a college dropout. But Alhamdulillah, Allah put me in a situation where I can still be saved. Engineering was never meant for me. Too many tears. Too many heartbreaks. Maybe because my mind and my heart was not ready for it yet, as a result I failed my first year. I have never failed anything in my entire life. Never. It was like hitting a rock bottom. I blamed my best friend for not being there to help me. For always hurting me. For always leaving me. I blamed him for all the mistakes that I have done. So many times that I thought of killing myself. But I didn't. For things to fall into its places, you must let it happened. That's how it happened. I learnt the hard way. All the events eventually taught me about the value of friendships. The value of love. Bring me closer to Him. And opened up my eyes to so many things.


It took me months to let it go. And Alhamdulillah Allah helped me to do it.

Instead of hating him even more for messing up with my life, I learnt to love him more, in a selfless way. Whatever that will make him happy, I'll try to accept it as best as I can. And if one day the fate is never meant for us, I pray that he will meet a good person. Not that we're ever a couple. But I pray that he will meet someone better than me. He deserves that.

Instead of forcing myself to do something I'm not genuinely in love, I learnt that if you want to contribute to the religion, do something that you're good at and you love. I accept wholeheartedly that eventhough both of my parents are engineers, I have never inherited their forte in numbers. I have never give myself a chance to choose what I'm really good at. I always follow people. You are unique. Each of us is unique.


Instead of feeling what a loner I am, I am so grateful for having so many supportive people around me. My closest friends. My families. Regardless of how crappy I am, they will try their best to help me stand up again. All this while they have been watching me running and falling.


And I think the best lesson is, He taught me that no matter what happened, He will always be by my side. Hence,  I have no reasons to forget Him. His blessings are countless.


Different people have their own path. And I pray that in the future whatever is going to happen, I accept it wholeheartedly and it will make me to be a better person for Him.






p/s: saya tak akan marah kalau awak lupakan saya, if I'll be sent back. I can't force you to remember me.