Bahagia

Tawa dalam sendu.

Assalamualaikum.

It has been like 2 months since the last post. Nothing much to update, cause this person is too busy worrying about her studies that , well, seems to falling apart. Salah diri sendiri juga, sebab terlalu banyak perkara yang diabaikan.

I am going to close my tumblr. Not really close, but maybe I'm going to delete all the entry and leave it with only one post. So that I can remember once upon a time who I was. Nothing big really happened. I am in the process of changing from a person that I used to be 3 years ago. Semoga Allah membantu diri ini. I am afraid most of myself. Cause I know, I have always failed to win over myself.

Semalam skype dengan ummi and ayah after about a month. Ummi cakap ayah misses me cause he kept asking "Farhanah tak call ke?". Allah. Bersalahnya. Memang rindu sangat. Hari ni, markah psychology 105 keluar. But I haven't seen it yet, because knowing how coward and small I am, I will leave it until I am mentally stable and able to accept whatever Allah has given me. To accept that what I've gotten is the result of my efforts. To reflect again whether I have done enough to claim that I deserve something better. To be able to accept the fact that I'm really a bad person who does not know to be grateful and to use the time that Allah has given wisely. Rasa berdosa sangat. Sebab janji pada ummi, ayah, MARA dan juga diri sendiri diabaikan. Rasa berdosa sangat sebab tanggungjawab sebagai seorang pelajar, seorang pemegang amanah kepada ilmu Allah diabaikan macam tu. Peluang dah diberi, tapi tak pernah nak ambil secara serius.

Antara ciri-ciri orang munafik adalah apabila dia berjanji dia memungkirinya. Apabila dia berkata, dia berdusta. Apa yang aku tengah buat sekarang exactly? Apa beza antara aku dengan mereka? Allah.


Isu emosi yang bertimpa. Lemahnya diri ni. Tiap-tiap malam berusaha sedaya mungkin untuk tidak mengalirkan air mata. Rasa sakit dekat dalam. Sumpah sakit. Tapi, mungkin ini adalah jawapan yang Allah berikan kepada doa yang dititipkan sewaktu berada di Jabal Rahmah dan di hadapan kaabah haritu. Jadi, diri ini harus sehabis daya redha dan berubah. The starting will always be the hardest point. And yes, this is the starting point. Mana mungkin Allah membiarkan doa hambaNya tak berjawab. Kalau apa yang didoakan tidak termakbul, maksudnya ada benda yang perlu dilihat kembali dalam diri. Allah berikan petanda yang munkin agak "solid" supaya kita segera bangun dan muhasabah kembali. Ini apa yang aku perlu buat.

 Kalau termakbul, Alhamdulillah, dan mungkin ada amanah lebih besar yang perlu dipikul.

Mana-mana pun, Allah masih sayangkan kita. Subhanallah. Sangat indah. Kita macam mana?

Kalau semalam rasa macam ditolak-ditolak oleh seseorang yang bermakna, harini Allah tunjuk dan buka mata hati untuk melihat betapa banyak kasih sayang di sekeliling, yang telah diabaikan.
Sakit tu sekejap. Bahagia itu insya'Allah akan datang.


Moga Allah bantu istiqomahkan diri ke arah perubahan yang sedang dilakukan ini.


Doakan.

I want a freaking 4.0


But I'm half dead trying to be above 3.0



Memang rasa macam betul-betul akan di'sembelih' dengan result Math 215. Allah. tak tahu nak rasa macam mana.



Doa lagi kuat. Itu je yang boleh buat sekarang. Untuk yang terbaik, dan supaya redha dengan semua yang bakal tertulis kelak.


Hakikatnya, tekanan perasaan sekarang sangat kuat. Mungkin ini sebagai peringatan, agar masa digunakan sebaiknya. Dan masa itu hak mutlak milik Allah.

The conversation.

I like being with one of my senior.

She somehow, makes me feel uncomfortable with myself. But I am feeling a much more real side of life with her. A more meaningful truths.

a friend

"Fana, awak tahu tak haritu time kiteorg nak buat rumah kaler semua, then Zafri dia bgn amek berus lah kan. Before dia nak kaler lps tu dia nyanyi,


Why this kolaveri kolaveri di.

Kiteorang semua gelak gile, sbb dia nyanyi sungguh2."


-________________-" I don't know him.

I have my reasons. You don't need to know.

And I will forever hate guys.



It will be the same. I never believe any guys since I was in Al-Amin. Until I got to Taylors. And it starts to change recently. I'm slowly reverting to what I felt 5 years ago.



Because I just hate them.

Exhausted

5 more chapters for organic chemistry.

10 subtopic for calculus.

8 chapters for violent weather.


all for next week. I did not have my sleep tonight. really. I'm not joking at all.





At the moment, I feel like I'm getting far away. I don't know why.

no title

Assalamualaikum,

This week was not so well. Am dwelling with frustrations over the weekend and in search of ways to improve the faith contains inside this soul.


Perhaps, this is the reason. To test my faith. Easier said than done. And now it is time for me to prove what I have been saying to people and to myself especially, all this while.


For once, I hope I can stop complaining how miserable I am to my friends. For once, I hope I can stop crying in front of people and let it out in front of Him instead. For once, I hope no worldly matters can shake me till I am totally off the ground and trying to stand back again.

The world does not revolves around you. and be more grateful instead.

I'm not going to stop. No.



We texted after one week not talking to each other. I told him that I want the invitation to his iron ring ceremony. Save one for me. If I am still here. And he said he will and I will. He said he is tired. Tired with "masalah hati" and studies.

I wonder. What does he meant by masalah hati ? Maybe. His feeling for her is still lingering in his heart. And whatever it is, I pray the best for him.







The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’” [Sahih Al-Bukhari]